Flights of Fancy to Nowhere

Saparmurat Niyazov, a.k.a Turkmenbashy

This week's Camino a Ítaca brings us to the vast steppes of Central Asia and then back again in search of the more ridiculous flights of fancy imposed upon us all by our Dear Leaders. Click over to read the original version published in Spanish in the regional newspaper, el Hoy or read the English version below. (PDF en castellano abajo)

An Italian friend of mine was once sitting in her hotel room in Ashgabat. She was in the capital of Turkmenistan on official UN business and called her mother. While she was being connected through the hotel’s Soviet-era reception, she noticed some deep heavy breathing on the other end of the line that was obviously not coming from her mom. As her mom was filling her in on the latest gossip from Venice, a sharp, accented voice suddenly broke into the conversation and insisted, “Speak English, please!”

This was during the reign of Saparmurat Niyazov, the country’s first dictator after the fall of the USSR. Turkenbashy, or head of all Turkmen as fancied himself, had had himself crowned as President for Life and brooked no dissent to his rule. So, it’s not surprising that he would have officials from the UN spied upon, even if his spooks were not multi-lingual.

When he wasn’t cracking down on the opposition, Niyazov also had a penchant for making odd decrees. Things like banning news reporters and presenters from wearing make-up because he found it difficult to distinguish between the male and female presenters or prohibiting lip synching at public concerts were a near constant during his regime. One day the Turkmens would wake up to find he had abolished the Turkmen word for bread and named it after his mother and another that he had decreed that the months would be named after him and his family.

Strange laws however aren’t reserved for Central Asian strongmen. Deep down in Florida you can get in a prickly situation if caught fornicating with porcupines, or any other animal for that matter. If you’re caught driving without a shirt in Thailand or, heaven forbid, criticize the monarchy, expect trouble. And it’s not only the Thais that revere their Dear Leaders so. The same behavior will get you into hot water in Morocco and as recently as 2012 in neighboring France it was illegal to be rude to the President or to name a pig after the head of state for that matter.

Here in Spain we’re not immune to ludicrous laws and regulations either. Naming your pig after the king probably won’t land you in jail but you might wind up in court for insinuating that the monarchy, and in particular the ex-monarch, has secrets in Switzerland.

A deeper problem however isn’t these atavistic attempts to defend the head of state’s honor or to protect the feelings of those who believe in supernatural powers. The real dilemma is simply the sheer number of laws and regulations on the books here in Spain. Many of which are obvious anachronisms that get lost in this legislative swamp. Mislaid or perhaps, like acts of good intentions rather than laws that are meant to be enforced, they end up forsaken like decaying moribund graymonoliths in the middle of roundabouts.

I propose a challenge to our legislators, one that has its roots in the country of my birth, Canada, where they recently passed the one-for-one law. A law which states that for every new federal regulation created, the government must eliminate an equal regulatory burden.

This challenge would not only reduce the number of out-of-date laws, but force legislators to seriously reflect before enacting a new fancy. If not, soon we too may find ourselves with another word for bread.