Fiestas for Who?

Writing in the local paper. Local issues with a global take. I never translate literally and the editor trims at will to make it fit. Here's my version, then theirs.

Thank goodness the powers that be have followed through with their promise to make us all more efficient and Nordic. No more of those useless holidays that fall in the middle of the week. Just like the aptly-named Bank Holidays in the U.K, all midweek fiestas will soon be moved to the following Monday. This, along with talk of bringing Spain back to its pre-Franco time zone, aligning us once again with the British isles and Portugal, is supposed to make our habits more...European shall we say. 

But if it is indeed our goal to ape the so-called success of the North, a few other changes will have to be made here in Caceres. First of all, outlawing pinchos and tapas. After all, why should we encourage neighbours to get together and socialize outside their homes, away from the glowing blue box? The growing atomization of society should also be sped up and the growing trend of replacing human relationships with dogs a-la-Parisien should also be encouraged. Beer and wine will also have to be made prohibitively expensive so that you can only afford two a month and giant tarps will have to be put up to create that monotonous grey ceiling that hovers over northern Europe for the majority of year. This will of course encourage people to stay inside or at least fester just a little bit longer at their desks. Sobremesas will no longer be needed because everyone will be too overwhelmed with work to talk. This in addition, of course, to banning all lunches that can’t be stuffed between two slices of bread. Public squares will be renamed after famous brand names and a ten minute loitering limit strictly enforced. All older people, due to their inherent slowness, will have to be shuttered away from the general public in homes and fed on bread and water in order to reduce pension payments. 

Well now that I think of it, except the annoying midweek holidays thes past two weeks , let Europe end at the Pyrenees for all I care.